Where would I be now had I not laughed at the joke I called high school?

Assemblyman Lancman Presents Francis Lewis High School Students With Award For Their Science Achievements, December 3, 2010

I’m still in college, but once I transfer I would like to pursue a double major. Fine arts and English, because I have very close to equal levels of passion for both and it tears at me to denounce one over the other. As for my education in general, sure, there’s tons I would change.

I wish I would have applied to Florello Laguardia for fine arts, just like I wanted to. The whole endeavor of compiling a portfolio scared the hell out of me, still scares me actually. I have always loved art but making a decision like that about where my life was headed at the age of 13, was something I was unable to do. I wish I had followed my instincts back then, I’d be a much better artist by now…

I wish I would have taken high school more seriously. As in, show up to class more often and complete all my assignments. High school was easy, I managed to pass class with the minimum effort. It pisses me off because I know for sure I could have excelled. I should’ve taken harder classes, studied a bit, and attended class. Maybe just maybe, I wouldn’t be in community college still pondering what the hell I’m going to do with my life. It seems like something I was supposed to figure out back then…

While contemplating the idea of starting a blog, I overlooked that I already have one… I wrote in it once over a year ago, and completely forgot about it. It was during one of my small bouts of insanity, which occur periodically, characterized by my belief in love. Before I figured all of that out by reading my old post, I wondered how to begin my blog. Thankfully WordPress directed me to a site that gives daily prompts: plinky.com. Sometimes I love the prompts it gives me and sometimes I don’t, but I’ve been posting one each day since I found the site. Today, I really enjoyed the prompt and decided to make it my first (I mean second) post on wordpress. From now on, I want to post separately unless I have absolutely no idea what to write about. I plan on writing here regularly, and hopefully finding many blogs that interest me and stalking them! If you want to check out my daily prompts just sign up for a plinky account (it’s fun!) and look for Yellsmoody-because I often am.

Today Plinky asked:

Do you believe in luck? 

How do you think it relates to destiny and coincidence?

I answered:

What we tell the kids to blame.

I tend to dislike that term, luck. I’m not a complete hypocrite, I will admit, I used it when I believed in it. That foolish belief made me lazy, made me think I couldn’t make anything better of the terrible mess I considered my life. Luck undermines the hard work and perseverance it takes for people to get closer and eventually realize their goals. Wouldn’t you be offended if after you’ve exerted so much effort to accomplish a goal, someone tells you that you got lucky?

I believe that children are really the only ones with reason to believe in luck. Children’s luck is based on circumstance, they have very little control over the quality of their own lives, and are forced to rely on their parents. We must also keep in mind that children believe in santa clause, fairy tales, and whatever other lies adults concoct for them.

For example, if a little girl has an alcoholic father, this can have a profoundly negative effect on her quality of life. Her father’s disease translates into a less than optimal life at home, one filled with stress. Her father will start drinking as soon as he gets home for work (but that seems normal to the girl), except that he gets angry and argues with her mom regularly. Alcoholics also tend to get violent, their hangovers cause them to miss work often and lose their jobs. If her father’s the primary source of income, the family is likely to get evicted. The unfavorable circumstances caused by the dad’s disease are perceived as the child to be the manifestation of bad luck. This isn’t so farfetched though, as the child has no control over her father’s alcoholism.

As we get older though, most of us make a distinction between circumstances and luck. Mostly due to our ability to exert greater control over our own lives. We are not children limited to the opportunities that our parents provide or fail to provide. The older and more independent of others that we become, the more control over our destinies we have. We can rid ourselves of the negative influences in our lives. Sometimes even though it may seem we are so insignificant and bad things keep happening, the way we deal with our experiences is what truly matters. The way in which we react to life’s challenges and opportunities depends on us, not something silly like luck.

I’ve wondered for a while now, why I am unable to maintain a healthy relationship.  I always used to blame myself. I thought I was too fragile and unable to take risks. I had the understanding that I had chosen to be alone out of fear of rejection or even worse: attachment.

I am actually horribly afraid of caring about people. I have the irrational fear that they will leave me. That one day, the people I care about will realize I’m not so great, turn away, and never return. I am so fearful, that when I feel that moment has arrived; I’d rather walk away. It almost feels like I have control, if I’m doing the heartbreaking.

I’ve come to realize, I am not the problem. Insecurity is the problem, the root of all evil. My insecurities about myself cause me to believe I am not worth caring about. Other people’s insecurities cause them to believe that I don’t care.

I try to fight insecurities with honesty, but that has failed me too. There’s only so much that people are willing to admit to themselves and others. Some burdens are so profound, that they are a part of you. Some truths are too sinister to mention. So, even though, in romance and in friendship I want complete trust. I can never have that, because people are just as afraid as I am. When I open up, the person I open up to is unable to reciprocate. This leaves me feeling alone and hopeless.

Maybe love is just a game, I was never taught how to play correctly. Perhaps there are certain things which must be done and I never learned how to do. My dream for many years now, has been to find someone to share everything with. Now that I thought I had found him, he has his guard up so high, that I will surely break my neck from the fall if I try to climb it.

Everything he says sounds like an excuse. I have no idea what he wants. I no longer know how he feels. I feel more lost now, than before he came into my life. Maybe this is the perfect time to run away from him, never looking back, or wondering if he could’ve been the one to change everything.